Internal Revolution

With all the bad press mental health patients and suffers of anxiety or depression have been getting when posting their stories on social media, I felt isolated and unable to talk even with people I am close to for fear of being ridiculed. After a friend of mine posted her eye opening and heart wrenching story of her struggle with these issues I felt obligated to share my own and for once even felt comfortable about opening up about the topic.

My struggle with depression has plagued me since I was a child. I am now 20 but I still remember flashes of my first every therapy session when I was only 7 or 8 years old, I honestly can’t remember how old. My Mum has had her own struggles with anxiety so as soon as she saw the warning signs she decided to take action so I could get the help that wasn’t available to her when she was younger. I had complained to her about hearing voices in my head that terrified me during the night, leading her to make an appointment with a child psychologist. In my first session the psychologist had me take part in some mild art therapy, painting or drawing what I felt as I did not speak once during the hour I was with her. After this my memory of my entire life is rather fragmented which doesn’t allow me to recall large periods of time and after discussing this with another councilor later on in life around maybe 15 or 16, she suggested that I may have subconsciously blocked out certain memories if they were too hard for me to live with. Having always been scared or nervous for any counselling or therapy session I have not partaken in any psychological means to recollect my memories from the time I had these voices that tormented me. The idea of hearing voices is a rather taboo subject as it is thought of to label the person as mentally ill and, of course, mental illness is a tough subject for some people to understand or talk about.

My own struggle with depression I assume is quite similar to other sufferers. I will feel elated and content with my life before crashing into a black hole of self hatred and an inability to face the world or leave my bed for days on end. The worst period I had of this lasted around 2 months, in which I missed a shocking amount of classes while in sixth form and sometimes only made in into school for my hour long counselling session. Because of my change in schedule from GCSE level, I was able to get away with not going into school by telling my parents my first class wasn’t until 10:00am and then once they left for work I would stay in bed and then get dressed into clean clothes when I knew they were on their way home so they didn’t know I was ditching class. After coming out of my first year of sixth form with disappointing grades due to my lack of attendance I began spiraling more and looking for ways to make myself feel better. I had rocky relationships with friends because they thought I was uncommunicative and hostile while going through this tough time and now a few years later none of those people are in my life all because of my doing. If I had confided in my friends, I would have been able to talk about my struggles rather than shutting everyone out and allowing them to think I didn’t care about our friendships.

I always thought this struggle would destroy the rest of my life until I found some ways that worked for me to help me through dark periods of my life without being destructive. Some people may think some of my methods are stupid or unrealistic but they work for me and maybe they would work for others as well. The biggest step in managing your depression or anxiety is finding a coping mechanism that works for you and not listening to what other people say when they try to tell you it wont work. If it works for you, that’s all

that matters. Meditation is one of the standard copying mechanisms for a lot of different forms of mental illness or personal disorders. Many therapists and councilors had suggested that I try my hand at meditation to center myself and come to terms with what I am feeling, allowing me to accept that sometimes I will have dark periods throughout my life. This helped me so much and I now meditate for about an hour once a week, to clear my head to prepare myself for the day if I’m having a particularly bad morning.

Now for a more alternative form of personal therapy. Healing crystals are a bit of a joke to most people but, just like with religion, having something to believe in gives you hope and helps you get through any issues you may be having. Certain crystals relate to different aspects of life and healing, each having properties that are said to protect and reenergize both physical and emotional weaknesses. The crystals that I keep with me personally are;

Amethyst – Peace, Psychic, Sobriety and Stability.

Kyanite – Loyalty, Chakra Balance and Reduces Anger.

Wonderstone – Eliminate Worries, Depression and Anxiety.

Finding ways to combat your own internal struggles makes it easier to open up to people you trust, and finding good people to surround yourself allows you to be comfortable in your own skin and feel more confident. After coming to university I have found a group of people that I love and cherish more than I ever thought I could. Being at university and being in such close proximity to these important people lets me have easy access to this boost of strength and confidence as I can either walk down the stairs of my own house to find one of my best friends in their rooms or call up any of the others who live five minutes down the road just for a chat or some company. A lot of people think that it is a burden to unload all of their struggles onto their friends or family, but even having someone there with you, even if you don’t say a single word about how you are feeling, you can feel comfortable and protected.